What paternity leave does to your inbox

I popped my cherry this week

I'm 37 years old, and it had never happened to me. Back in high school, it seemed like everyone was doing it, like it was a right of passage. But it never happened to me. Not even in college. I grew older, got married, and even had a kid -- you'd think it would have happened by this point. I was starting to feel like the only person left in the world who hadn't done it.

And then, on the way to work this week, it finally happened. It was a complete surprise, too. It's just like people say: it'll happen to you when you least expect it. And in Lisa's car, no less. She was understandably upset. He wasn't the best-looking guy either.

Yep, I finally got into an accident. The traffic ahead of me just stopped on I-485, and I couldn't hit those brakes hard enough to miss him. His Tacoma bumper took a little damage, but I managed to crunch Lisa Subaru's left front corner pretty bad. Nobody was hurt, which is the plus-side that I keep reminding myself of.

Here's where things start to get a little weird. The guy I hit doesn't speak a lot of English, and he seemed plenty happy to drop the whole thing if I bought him a $350 bumper. That worked for me because I'm trying to keep my insurance rates from going through the roof.

So after calling around town, cutting out of work early, driving to a dealer and buying said bumper, I get a call from my guy's friend who does body repairs. Apparently, more damage has been discovered to a taillight and the truck bed and that I'm now expected to shell out for that as well. Details on exactly how much damage has been done are sketchy.

With that information in mind, I thank the friend, hang up, and walk right back into the dealership to return the bumper. The claim is now completely in the hands of my insurance company and their bi-lingual agents. My rates my go up more, but at least I'm dealing with the back and forth anymore.

Your corporate America mixed metaphor of the day

You're just another track under the technology umbrella.

Thank you. This has been your corporate America mixed metaphor of the day.

Introducing the Law of Inverse Hipsterism

When I arrived at Search Engine Strategies Sunday, I'd clearly made a mistake: I was dressed too casually. Despite the demands of the brutal Chicago weather, most of the guys ditched the wool and the parkas to put their best hispter shoes (and jackets and designer jeans and Diesel sunglasses) forward.

But by the time I left Wednesday, the hipsters were in retreat and the unkempt nerds were out in force. It was a startling change, and I even checked to see if the schedule intentionally progressed from cutting-edge to mundane. Why else would hipsters arrive early and nerds come late?

It took a while, but I finally saw what was happening. The only possible answer is -- brace yourselves -- the hipsters and the nerds are the same people. I call it the Law of Inverse Hipsterism. (Feel free to search for this phrase -- you won't find it anywhere else.)

What this law stipulates is that most people (but especially techies) cannot sustain hipsterism when traveling. So they front-load for the first few days, but the longer the trip, the more their inner dork comes out. After just a couple of days, jeans get dirty, glasses break, shirts smell like smoke, hair gets runs out, etc. By the final day, most people are lucky to put together a complete outfit, much less have it look good.

The exception to this rule is the same exception to most rules: women. As the men burn through their best looks early, the women have planned out the clothing week so that they finish as strong as they started.

Hotel bathroom reviews: first in a periodic series

Hilton Chicago: two out of five stars

• Size: 2.5 stars
• Sink size: 1.5 stars (tons of wasted space behind door could have been used to expand sink area)
• Toiletries: 2 stars (missing toothpaste/toothbrush combo, but included two kinds of liquid moisturizers)
• Toilet-to-shower proximity: 1 star
• Decor: 3 stars
• Water pressure: 4 stars
• Hot water duration: 3.5 stars
• Raised, flower-print wallpaper: 4 stars
• Ugly painting: 2 stars
  
• General oddities: Dresser contains both Holy Bible and biography of Conrad Hilton, great-grandfather to Paris

Overall impressions: Without shower, bathroom would be pointless. There's no room to work at the sink, no room to change clothes, and barely room to turn around. The door opens into wasted space which could have been put to use for any other purpose, but since it wasn't one thinks the entire space must have been designed by monkeys. Or Conrad Hilton heiresses.