Run that by me again

I just popped in "Talk to Me" starring Don Cheadle, and this was the MPAA rating at the start of the DVD:

Rated R for pervasive language and some sexual content.

Well, I should hope it has pervasive language. After all, it's a 2-hour movie and without pervasive language, the actors will be doing a lot of miming.

Earth to Netflix

It looks like Netflix's algorithm still needs some work...



The craziest part is that I'd already said I have zero interest in "Pootie Tang." I know exactly one person who liked that movie, and his taste is pretty much worthless.

The "300" blows: Live-blogging the most overhyped movie of the year

In honor of "300"'s release on DVD, I'm finally catching up with it. Warning to those who are particularly enamored of this movie: I wasn't.

006:30 -- A guy whose credit should read "That Guy from A Flock of Seagulls" is giving a speech about reason and justice. Unfortunately no one hears him since they're too busy thinking how he looks like that guy from A Flock of Seagulls.

007:05 -- It's clear already that without slow motion photography, this movie would be a half hour and change.

008:08 -- The first in what promises to be a long series of pec-and-ab shots.

009:11 -- Hey, it's Jimmy McNulty from "The Wire"! Uh-oh, looks like he's going to be a bad guy -- they're not showing off his glistening pecs.

011:36 -- Now that's what I call a conveniently placed bottomless pit.

016:50 -- Oracle speech. Boring. Losing. Consciousness.

017:30 -- Alright! The female nipple makes its first appearance. The score is now 558-1 in favor of the men.

019:45 -- Completely gratuitous full frontal male nudity as Leonidas prepares to do his wife. If he were going into battle, he'd look exactly the same but with a small leather loincloth.

033:45 -- AbFest 480 BC is on!

025:45 -- We have our first milady. Will "300" come close to the record-setting pace of miladies set by "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones"? Only time will tell.

026:10 -- Second milady and a mere 25 seconds later. This is going to be an exciting race, folks!

026:39 -- "Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans. Only the hard. Only the strong." And only the redundant. The redundant. Who are hard. And strong. And redundant.

030:40 -- Finally, some robots! Oh wait... it's just a small boy...

031:56 -- ... who's now dead.

035:00 -- Again with the slo-mo. Do we really need to slow down footage of rain? It's not like you miss much at regular speed.

036:18 -- "Freedom isn't free," eh? Apparently, the Bush Administration performed a warrantless tap on this screenplay as well.

037:05 -- Computer graphics are now so sophisticated that they can perfectly mimic a 1940s matte background painting for 10,000 times the cost.

039:08 -- Research questions for a possible business venture: Do dead bodies really make a good mortar compound?

041:28 -- Frankly, I'm liking the troll warrior dude. Seems like the one guy you could party with. Not all hung up on pumping iron and screaming about Sparta.

046:18 -- Here comes Leonidas' big pre-battle pep talk. "Give them nothing, but take from them everything." Uh, OK. We can give you a little more time to work on that speech if you need, Leo.

049:40 -- Big battle scene. Say what you will about the fakeness of the bloodin "300," at least there is blood. Name the last epic movie where, when someone is sliced in half, you actually saw red stuff. I'm looking at you, "Lord of the Rings" and "Pirates of the Caribbean."

049:37 -- Now that's what I call a conveniently placed cliff. (Whoops -- now we're on the cliff, guys.)

052:25 -- Voice-over guy is back, but why? I mean, most voice-overs are there to tell you something they don't have time to show in the movie. This guy's narrating stuff like, "'Goodbye my love' -- he doesn't say it." Uh, no shit, Dilios. We were there, and we heard Leonidas not say it. Anything else he didn't say that you'd like to point out?

052:40 -- Speaking of Dilios, it's a shame he's a warrior in an ancient Greek war movie and not a teenager on a wacky sitcom where his catchphrase would clearly be, "What the Dilios?"

054:41 -- This is one hard-core pro-beard movie. Was it endorsed by the World Beard and Moustache Association?
057:20 -- So far, "300" has been gay like nobody's business, but at this moment it decides to expand its target audience and go for the hardcore bondage fetishists in the audience.

060:55 -- I was just starting to buy the movie's whole pro-woman vibe. Then two characters start in with the "you're-a-girl-no-you're-a-girl" routine straight out of every high school locker room argument.

065:45 -- A good rule of thumb in battle is to yell out "MY KING!" before attacking. Gives the enemy is given fair warning to your presence.

070:30 -- I'm hoping to see a disclaimer in the credits: No wild killer prehistoric rhinos were harmed during the making of this film.

073:07 -- Hands down the goriest tracking shot ever committed to film. Orson Welles is kicking himself for not slaughtering 25 people during the opening to "Touch of Evil."

073:17 -- A section of good-natured buddy cop-movie dialog seems to have been accidentally cut-and-pasted into the middle of this screenplay.

075:50 -- A goat man, a harem, hookahs, and some disfigured lezzies. Xerxes knows how to par-tay.

077:15 -- Research questions for possible business venture: Is there an untapped market for Elephant Man porn?

079:25 -- Dominic West as Theron has the worst British accent ever, all the most amazing given that he's actually British.

082:08 -- Theron issues a warning to the queen: "This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this." Thanks, Ther -- we could've used this advice before the movie started.

084:34 -- A 300-man army wearing nothing but leather loincloths? This is officially the cheapest wardrobe budget ever.

089:08 -- The "Tonight we dine in hell" speech. I was hoping that finally hearing it in the context of the movie, it would make more sense. It doesn't.

093:15 -- McNulty -- I mean Theron -- is dead. The evidence of his treason conveniently rolls out of his pocket. Meanwhile, organized crime on the Baltimore docks and high-rises to go unchecked.

097:30 -- Even the narrator has begun talking in slo-mo.

100:13 -- The 300 naked Spartans are dead from a slew of arrows and swords, yet no one seems to regret the whole "no-armor" decision.

103:36 -- Wheat fields, golden sun, hot wife morning her hot dead husband? Someone owes "Gladiator"some royalties.

108:09 -- It's a year later, and 300 naked Spartan warriors are replaced with 10,000 naked Spartan warriors. Apparently the memo about wearing armor is stuck in the mail somewhere.

11 things you may not know about "Star Wars"

I read the entire "The Making of Star Wars," you don't have to. Here are some little-known facts documented in this ridiculously thorough book:

1. In between the second and third drafts, Luke was changed to be a girl. (p. 40)
   
2. Because of its size and proximity to the Tunisia-Libya border, the Sandcrawler set was searched by the Libyan army to make sure it wasn't a secret Tunisian military weapon. (p. 157)
   
3. The R2D2 robot went out of control and wandered into the set of Franco Zeffirelli's "Jesus of Nazareth," which was also filming in the Tunisian desert. (p. 159)
   
4. Alec Guinness got mad and almost quit when, midway through production, George Lucas decided that Obi-Wan Kenobi would die. (p. 166)
   
5. During the entire production, only two people were fired and no one quit. (p. 255)
   
6. Carrie Fisher stood on a turntable to film the R2D2 hologram message. (p. 257)
   
7. After playing the part of C3P0 for the entire production, Anthony Daniels was almost replaced during voice-over recordings by someone who could make the character sound more like an American used-car salesman. (p. 265)
   
8. The trench that the rebels fly through isn't the one that runs around the equator of the Death Star. It's one of 18 vertical trenches that start halfway up from the equator and run toward the north pole. (p. 280)
9. The motion picture review board rated "Star Wars" a G, until the studio went back and demanded a PG rating. Also, some of the raters fell asleep during the screening. (p. 289)
10. Lucas and Steven Spielberg swapped profit points on their two movies, "Star Wars" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," each believing the other's would do better. (p. 298)
    
11. Twentieth Century Fox's stock jumped 450% immediately after the movie came out. (p. 301)
    

Things that better be in the new Simpsons movie

1. One scene of extended pointless repetitive physical discomfort, preferably targeted at Homer
   
2. George W. Bush, who has gotten off way too easy in the past 6 years. (You know they can do better than just calling him "Commander Cuckoo Bananas.")
   
3. An addition to Springfield's diverse geographical makeup that already includes the ocean, lakes, the badlands, the alkali flats, the gorge and the "Murderhorn"
   
4. Professor Frink and/or one of his new inventions. (And he better say "Glayvin.")
   
5. One major rock stars or group appearing as themselves
   
6. The surprise return of at least one dead character (Marvin Monroe, Maude Flanders, Vegas wife Amber, etc. -- but not Bleeding Gums Murphy)
   
7. One (but no more than one) catchy musical number
   
8. Some world-class over-the-top villainy from Mr. Burns
   
9. A completely gratuitous dig at the Fox network
   
10. Kang and Kodos
    

And some things that better not be in it:

1. Gratuitous use of celebrities voices, especially playing themselves
   
2. Live action, 3D, claymation or other visually gimmicky segments done just for the sake of doing them
   
3. Any of Bart's old catchphrases, even if they're used ironically