006:30 -- A guy whose credit should read "That Guy from A Flock of Seagulls" is giving a speech about reason and justice. Unfortunately no one hears him since they're too busy thinking how he looks like that guy from A Flock of Seagulls.
007:05 -- It's clear already that without slow motion photography, this movie would be a half hour and change.
008:08 -- The first in what promises to be a long series of pec-and-ab shots.
009:11 -- Hey, it's Jimmy McNulty from "The Wire"! Uh-oh, looks like he's going to be a bad guy -- they're not showing off his glistening pecs.
011:36 -- Now that's what I call a conveniently placed bottomless pit.016:50 -- Oracle speech. Boring. Losing. Consciousness.
017:30 -- Alright! The female nipple makes its first appearance. The score is now 558-1 in favor of the men.
019:45 -- Completely gratuitous full frontal male nudity as Leonidas prepares to do his wife. If he were going into battle, he'd look exactly the same but with a small leather loincloth.
033:45 -- AbFest 480 BC is on!
025:45 -- We have our first milady. Will "300" come close to the record-setting pace of miladies set by "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones"? Only time will tell.
026:10 -- Second milady and a mere 25 seconds later. This is going to be an exciting race, folks!
026:39 -- "Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans. Only the hard. Only the strong." And only the redundant. The redundant. Who are hard. And strong. And redundant.
030:40 -- Finally, some robots! Oh wait... it's just a small boy...
031:56 -- ... who's now dead.
035:00 -- Again with the slo-mo. Do we really need to slow down footage of rain? It's not like you miss much at regular speed.
036:18 -- "Freedom isn't free," eh? Apparently, the Bush Administration performed a warrantless tap on this screenplay as well.
037:05 -- Computer graphics are now so sophisticated that they can perfectly mimic a 1940s matte background painting for 10,000 times the cost.
039:08 -- Research questions for a possible business venture: Do dead bodies really make a good mortar compound?
041:28 -- Frankly, I'm liking the troll warrior dude. Seems like the one guy you could party with. Not all hung up on pumping iron and screaming about Sparta.
046:18 -- Here comes Leonidas' big pre-battle pep talk. "Give them nothing, but take from them everything." Uh, OK. We can give you a little more time to work on that speech if you need, Leo.049:40 -- Big battle scene. Say what you will about the fakeness of the bloodin "300," at least there is blood. Name the last epic movie where, when someone is sliced in half, you actually saw red stuff. I'm looking at you, "Lord of the Rings" and "Pirates of the Caribbean."
049:37 -- Now that's what I call a conveniently placed cliff. (Whoops -- now we're on the cliff, guys.)
052:25 -- Voice-over guy is back, but why? I mean, most voice-overs are there to tell you something they don't have time to show in the movie. This guy's narrating stuff like, "'Goodbye my love' -- he doesn't say it." Uh, no shit, Dilios. We were there, and we heard Leonidas not say it. Anything else he didn't say that you'd like to point out?
052:40 -- Speaking of Dilios, it's a shame he's a warrior in an ancient Greek war movie and not a teenager on a wacky sitcom where his catchphrase would clearly be, "What the Dilios?"
054:41 -- This is one hard-core pro-beard movie. Was it endorsed by the World Beard and Moustache Association?
057:20 -- So far, "300" has been gay like nobody's business, but at this moment it decides to expand its target audience and go for the hardcore bondage fetishists in the audience.
060:55 -- I was just starting to buy the movie's whole pro-woman vibe. Then two characters start in with the "you're-a-girl-no-you're-a-girl" routine straight out of every high school locker room argument.
065:45 -- A good rule of thumb in battle is to yell out "MY KING!" before attacking. Gives the enemy is given fair warning to your presence.
070:30 -- I'm hoping to see a disclaimer in the credits: No wild killer prehistoric rhinos were harmed during the making of this film.
073:07 -- Hands down the goriest tracking shot ever committed to film. Orson Welles is kicking himself for not slaughtering 25 people during the opening to "Touch of Evil."
073:17 -- A section of good-natured buddy cop-movie dialog seems to have been accidentally cut-and-pasted into the middle of this screenplay.075:50 -- A goat man, a harem, hookahs, and some disfigured lezzies. Xerxes knows how to par-tay.
077:15 -- Research questions for possible business venture: Is there an untapped market for Elephant Man porn?
079:25 -- Dominic West as Theron has the worst British accent ever, all the most amazing given that he's actually British.
082:08 -- Theron issues a warning to the queen: "This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this." Thanks, Ther -- we could've used this advice before the movie started.
084:34 -- A 300-man army wearing nothing but leather loincloths? This is officially the cheapest wardrobe budget ever.
089:08 -- The "Tonight we dine in hell" speech. I was hoping that finally hearing it in the context of the movie, it would make more sense. It doesn't.
093:15 -- McNulty -- I mean Theron -- is dead. The evidence of his treason conveniently rolls out of his pocket. Meanwhile, organized crime on the Baltimore docks and high-rises to go unchecked.
097:30 -- Even the narrator has begun talking in slo-mo.
100:13 -- The 300 naked Spartans are dead from a slew of arrows and swords, yet no one seems to regret the whole "no-armor" decision.
103:36 -- Wheat fields, golden sun, hot wife morning her hot dead husband? Someone owes "Gladiator"some royalties.
108:09 -- It's a year later, and 300 naked Spartan warriors are replaced with 10,000 naked Spartan warriors. Apparently the memo about wearing armor is stuck in the mail somewhere.
1 comment:
The Persian general who is run through in the penultimate battle scene (where the Spartans are all crouched beneath their shields) is one of Omar's acting buddies. Someday he'll look back on that impaling and laauuuugghh....
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